THE DEPARTED
Abridged Script by Chaxiubao
Fade in:
Ext. Kuta Beach
Chaxiubao ate (unaccompanied) stall after stall along the beach to establish that he's the badass when it comes to street food. He smells something good and he owns it. No mercy.
Chaxiubao
See? If you want to make it in life, you have to be like me, boys. What's the song you guys playing? I gonna make a request. Oooh, look at the beautiful beach. I feel Beach Boys. How about some goodies from the Beach Boys?
The Kuta Gang
We ain't know any Beach Boys. How about something from The Beatles? "Let it be"?
Chaxiubao (humming and clapping along with tunes while chewing)
This is good. Fruit salad with chili sauce, and shrimp powder? This is A. And what's this? I got here steamed rice, some noods, fried chicken, dried shrimps here and there, poached egg, lots of chili and some fish sauce. I don't give a damn what it is. I'm giving it a A plus!
The Kuta Gang finishes with the Beatles and switches to U2's "With or Without You."
Chaxiubao (laughing out in his typical comical-looking smile, a la Jack Nic's typical badass impression; steamed rice are beaming to the beach in all directions)
See? If you want to make it in life, you have to be like me, boys. Eating alone can be fun. Look at me, isn't eating alone the best way to make friends? Boy, do we love screweat ourselves (食自己) or what! Kids? 10 seconds of choice and 20 years of misery?! Ditch that to hell!
THE DEPARTED II. THE PREQUEL: INTERNAL AFFAIRS
Abridged Script by Chaxiubao
Fade in:
Ext. outside a nameless Italian restaurant next to Kuta Beach
Chaxiubao
Guys, chin up. We are almost there. I guess the place got to be somewhere around the next turn. Alley Cat, Alley Cat... It's blowing in the wind. I can smell it.
The Sis
You've been saying the same since we got off the cab half an hour ago.
The Nieces
Uncle Chaxiubao, we're starving. Mama, can we eat at here, they have pizza and burger?
The Sis
Okay, that does it. We're eating here.
Chaxiubao
No, I afraid you aren't. This one is not, ah, documented... This one is not covered in my master scheme of Bali's food subjugation!
The Sis
Like we care!
Chaxiubao
Kids, uncle gonna buy you a big big scoop of ice cream if you come eat with me.
The Nieces
We want pizza. We want meatballs.
Chaxiubao
Stop the non-sense, you two, stop the unruliness. Act your age!
The Sis
Which ONE you're talking to, one is five and one seven?
Chaxiubao
This is outrageous and unfair. You kids can't do this to your uncle! Your uncle is a foodie. He's done lots of homework to come to this point. Your uncle is, ar, a food gnostic! Your, your uncle has a Food Blog for an unkeep!
The Sis
Listen, we're eating here no matter what. Take it or lump it. Or you can keep on your so-called gastronomy conquest solo and eat yourself.
Chaxiubao
You damn right I will. You guys so deserve each other!
The Brother-in-law
Hey, I think that's totally uncalled for...
