Cha Xiu Bao

Lover's Tears -- Heartbreak Sour & Spicy Noodles

Lover's Tears 情人的眼泪　

为什麼要对你掉眼泪？你难道不明白为了爱？ 

Why am I in tears for you? Don't you know that's for love?

只有那有情人，眼泪最珍贵，

Tears are only precious for true loves 

一颗颗眼泪都是爱，都是爱!

Every single drop is love, every single drop is love

为什麼要对你掉眼泪？你难道不明白为了爱？ 

Why am I in tears for you? Don't you know that's for love?

要不是有情郎，跟我要分开，我眼泪不会掉下来，掉下来。

I won't be in tears if my lover isn't leaving me, I won't in tears

好春才来，春花正开，你怎舍得说再会？

Spring is right here, and flowers are in full bloom; how can you be so cruel to say goodbye? 

我在深闺望穿秋水，你不要忘了我情深深如海。

I'm alone, missing you in my boudoir; please don't forget my love is as deep as the sea

为什麼要对你掉眼泪？你难道不明白为了爱？ 

Why am I in tears for you? Don't you know that's for love?

要不是有情郎，跟我要分开， 我眼泪不会掉下来，掉下来。

I won't be in tears if my lover isn't leaving me, I won't be in tears

我眼泪不会掉下来，掉下来。

I won't be in tears, I won't be in tears

In Search of the Perfect Ser Dou (Snake Pit) in town

The city’s a flood and our love turns to rust

Were beaten and blown by the wind

Trampled into dust

I’ll show you a place

High on the desert plain

Where the streets have no name

Contrary to the ravishing and love-or-death Madam Bai depicted in the famous folklore (白蛇傳) ‘Tale of the White Snake,’ I find it rather strange that the Cantonese mostly conjugates snakes to lazybones. For them, people on French leave are labeled as ser wong, or snake king (蛇王). The term ser dou (snake pit, in English) is the kind of hangouts for these good-for-nothings corporate leeches to fling themselves together. 

Granted that location is crucial for every good ser dou (蛇竇), it is more about attitude, and the kinship inside that count. Here’s some basics that must be followed for an ideal ser dou to be constituted:

1) it must breathe a dungeon-like aura. Metaphorically it’s like a prison must stay prison-like to breed a sense of belonging among cellmates (meaning nothing pejorative here). More to the point, the place must be dim, somewhat manky (barely acceptable), and seemingly forsaken by all (particularly your bosses) to achieve a stress-free slumbering-ship. Some classic giveaways for the quintessential loafer la-la land: a belying entrance to shield out unwanted disturbance, proximity to a public W.C. (or a trash storage), the basement of a haunted building, et cetera.

2) staff capable of providing you with the most lethargy service in this world; given the illegitimacy of the circumstances, the last thing you want is conspicuous consumption. In short, a perfume that tweets ‘I’m a desert island, go mind your own business’ well before you creak your first step inside.

But whatever the yardstick is, Rainbow Service on the 8th floor of TakShing House must be the place for the ultimate ser wong emancipation. It is completely on a realm of its own, epitomizing the kind of seclusion only spaceships deserve. 

The place is strategically ambushed among a fleet of dentists and doctors, suggesting better of a place for memorial services than one for restoration. As elusive as John Cusack’s office on floor 7½ of Being John Malkovich, there is no door knob to be found at the end of the shadowy corridor that pulls loafers of all stripes (to the black hole of vitality). What, no doorknob?! The door for the stealthy dining room is actually, now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t, hidden behind the emergency exit next to the registered address. Well, what else should we be surprised, save that we don’t need to land on some ditch in Yuen Long at the end of the meal (it’s New Jersey in the movie)?

Still, there’s an important etiquette not to be dozed off with. An honorable ser wong never greets anyone by name. A knowing nod and wink go a long way – the code of ser wong brotherhood calls for zero divulgence even upon whipping and lashing; otherwise, you’d only be a snake in the grass!

Rainbow Service 

Address: Room 810, Tak Shing House, 20 Des Voeux Road, Central 

Tel: N/A Opening Hours: 0900 to 1430 hrs; weekdays only 

(Note: don't tell them that you're sent by me)

Canton's Got Talent

How can a slumdog eat like a millionaire in Hong Kong

Hi, my name is Jabol. 

I must confess the place I’m living now is a shack by the infamous Chungking Mansion, Tsim Sha Tsui. But this isn’t the place where I grown up. I used to live in an absolute dump past the outskirts of Varanasi, you know, a shithole close to the Ganges River. I fled this stinky town of mine and came to HK exactly 5 years, 4 months and 23 days ago when I knocked up my neighbor's daughter, who's 14, 1 months and 5 days old then. 

Good luck to her!

Oh, the pronunciation. Don't worry about this for a second, my friend if you can't pronounce any of the names I've just mentioned right. Most of my Chinese shithead friends can't either. For the Mandarins they usually mimed my name into 假波 "fake ball," while it’s always been easier for the Cantonese to go with 揸波 "squeeze the ball".  

Quite some farting buzzes I know. Yet to be honest, I ain't upset by all this. To tell you the truth, none of these balls can beat the smelly droppings from dogs and cows that I was forced to duck into when I was taken to the Ganges River as a kid. That I know for sure. Besides, they just don't know what I’ve amounted to after the big big financial meltdown. 

I’m the AIG, actually.

Hold on my friend, by AIG I mean "Anti-Immorality Guru,” not the sinking insurance business. You see, my daytime job as a tea boy cowering at the chachaanteng is just a cover for my real ID.  

As the Chosen One. I knew the answers. 

My expertise, as a AIG from the ghetto, is all about enlightenment on the cheap, as you'll see very soon. 

Happy Year of Ox

I want to wish everyone a very healthy and tasty Year of Ox.

You know what, one downside of living with a dog is that it leaves you to think certain food is only meant for pets.  Take beef paddywack for example.  "Most commonly found in the pet department of stores where it is packaged dried as a dog treat/food," is the only accolade I managed to find when I looked it up on the net.  

But once again, having ate so many eccentric dishes in China over the years, I know very well our dining table is the last place on earth for anyone to think in conventional terms. It's a place that time and again puts leftover and scraps into the most insanely exciting delicacy.  Beef paddywack for one and the epiglottis of beef, the alignment muscle between throat and tongue -- like a beef tongue isn't mind-blowing enough? For the sake of yumminess, throw me some please!

In the meantime, share your meals with those you love and let's not forget those who don’t have the same access to great food like many of us do. Last year may not be as spectacular as it could be. But if we work it hard this year, maybe we can make something fabulous out of the trims too.  

Here's to a fantastic and feng yi zu shi ("to be well-fed and well-clothed" 豐衣足食) Year of Ox!

Michelin HK & Macao 2009, my two cents worth... (Part II)

Apart from showing the combination of perverse, hubris and lack of sportsmanship, there's also an all too familiar denial symptom one can find from a pimp when told his best stripper has huge cellulite problem. Shortcomings? Hell, no.

Ostriches can get away with sticking their heads in the sand, but the sad fact is, Chinese cuisine in Hong Kong is, overall, in a slump.  We need this wake-up call bad to make us look into the underlying problems of the self-proclaimed "paradise of gastronomy" before it's too late. Here are some lessons we could draw.

One, the diffusion of regional cuisines. 
Hong Kong is a land of utilitarianism. Under the veil of handy choices, what really going on is restaurateurs are herding all regional cuisines of China under a roof so that they aren't missing out any up-and-coming, cash-generating fad. That's why we've so many mishmashes called "Beijing, Sichuan & Shanghai" Jing-chuan-hu 京川滬 around town where cook imports from Guangdong are cropping up all-of-the-above food for you. In the course of it, we forget our roots and we show no sign of faith, and hence, no sense of direction, which earns us no recognition whatsoever. 

Two, the high turnover of chefs. 
Hong Kong will prove to be one the toughest places for Michelin to keep apace with the change of chefs. Kitchen in Hong Kong is a furious place with low loyalty steaming.  Restaurateurs plough through dozens of obstacle to achieve stardom only to find the guy who holds the hoak and wok is gone for good days before the guide publishs. High turnover of chefs equals to low consistency of food quality.

Three, settings and services suck.
This might be the rudiment for the omission of some local favorites. For instance, what adjourning to the entrance of Tin Heung House is nothing other than a public toilet. The staff of some famous noodle shops, on the other hand, excels in mimicking the pilgrim for beef brisket noodles to a visit to the most unruly mosque. More still, toilets that make insalubrious an understatement are not uncommon at all.  We all like good food and we really don't mind compromising in the quest of it, but chances are, people who keeps saying food is the only thing that matters are either someone who lives on CSSA (that is, Comprehensive Social Security Assistance) or someone who just got released from Guantanamo Bay. Or even more likely, never needs to pay.  We do deserve more when we fork out good money.

Once again, I welcome the Michelin debut because I think it's doing a good job in highlighting one of the biggest shortcomings we need to overcome: too many pour settings and services for restaurants with damn good food.  To the extent it's as much a crime as selling Patek Philippe in Wal-Mart! A little realignment won't be bad. 

Food critics en masse, don't get fooled by your own vaingloriousness. Dance to the music  -- read this, Chinese food is invented by us but it's not ours. Restaurateurs, be honest with yourself. Roll up your sleeves and work on the mistakes. Reel in one inch at a time and gradually you will make it big. Trust me, soon we'll see the coming of Michelin Osaka, Michelin Taipei, Michelin Singapore and so a myriad of it for cities in the East, it will be damn hard, if not embarassing, to pin up the "paradise of gastronomy" poster with only one three-star in your pocket by then.

Michelin HK & Macao 2009, my two cents worth... (Part I)

So far, the blather among the local press focuses on how biased is the list and how ridiculous the ranking is. All said, the first attempt of Michelin for a Hong Kong guide isn't receiving any star treatment.

On the first argument, many a Chinese food critic says the guide is undependable because the French doesn't know a thing about Chinese food.  However, for the sake of argument, I think it holds as much as appeal as one of the followings:

• I can't never date a French panty model because I am not French;
• Natalie Portman won't kowtow to my sheer hotness because she knows Jack about Chinese manhood;
• a online porn video store rejects my purchase of "Where The Boys Aren't IX" because I'm not a lesbian; and
• I can't never tell fresh spinach from rotten ones because I'm not a fucking farmer.

The ill appeal aside, I can guarantee you, as if there's nothing new under the sun, the same bunch of estimable Chinese food writers will muster their kind advices to readers like pants were on fire in a not so distant future on, guess what, French food! Tips on when and how to sample oysters from Brittany, milk-fed lamb from Pyrenees and et al...

Granted, the intrinsic values and sentiments of Chinese food could be mind-blowing, but there's no stopping for anyone to appreciate the beauty of it on face value. I also need to point out the peril to presume a Chinese must know the menu well given the vastness of China and complication of Chinese cuisine.  I mean, which Chinese we're talking here? Do you think a Sichuanese knows for sure the fine points of a good bowl of wonton noodles? Or conversely, for a Cantonese to understand something indigenous to Sichuan, and/or to some dishes from the other twenty odd provinces of China?  

The conspicuous absence of some all-time favorites and the shameful inclusion of some tourist traps also leave some critics to conclude the ratings on the list a gaffe.

Well, in the fullness of time, we'll see the guide is all about movement.  It is overall a very good list on dining ideas, even though I must confess I'm training hard to put the head of a chef from one of the two-star joints into a blender and slam his crotch with axe. Sloppy food he cooks, the dining experience is nevertheless compensated by a reasonably good settings and service.

Fact is, with all established parameters, the guide is never just about food. And what the media missing is the fact that the guide marks the very first time an international standard with well-known objectivity and discipline lands Hong Kong. Tokyo, with 10 Michelin 3-star restaurants, is the most star-studded city in the world with Paris gets stride for stride by 9 Michelin 3-star eateries.

But how many Michelin 3-star we got? Only One. For a place that takes pride in being the "gastronomy paradise," this is a real slap on the face to suggest a case otherwise, especially when you check out the population of the 3 places: Tokyo, 12 million; Paris, 11 million. Hong Kong? 7 million.

Ouch, the truth hurts.

It's that time of year again: How Much Does A Name Mean?

Okay, here I am, contemplating with my people on what name to be used for my introduction in a food show come X'mas time...

My people: How about Sik San (食神), the God of Eating?

ME: No way. It's been so misused to death of late. It's like nothing short of firmware update for useless gadget!

Me people: Why not Sik Kar (食家), the Virtuosi of Eating? It surely will give a very professional prospective to your image.

ME: Pshaw, that MUST be the single most pretentious name I've ever heard.  I mean, all I need is something simple to let the audience know they're listening to the voice of a dining maverick who's always in the exploratory pursuit of ephemeral gastronomic refinement and the intricacy of contemporary culinary glorification. Pure simplicity, something you can never belabored enough, right? You know, I just want kids listening to my show and say, "Wow, I want to be that guy when I grow up."  Is that too much to ask?

My people: (long pause)

My people: Shall we try Sik Sin (食仙), the Immortal of Eating, as Li Bai the Immortal of Poetry? As a gourmet desperado vs a ever-wandering poet, no?

Me: It almost sounds like having a crippled, teeth-falling pensioner crawling on your back. I need tenacity.  People, where is the sparkle! 

My people: Ah, let's call you a Sik Jing (食精), the Spirit of Eating?

ME: (long pause)... Fabulous. Why don't you keep that for your facial?

My people: Sik Mor (食魔), the Demon of Eating, perhaps?

ME: I'm not a necrophilia.

Me people: Then Sik Kong (食狂), the Lunatic of Eating?

ME: Well, that's way too one-dimensional.  People won't think of me as a gourmet. They will only picture me as a madman on the loose with bloodstain all over.  Creepy Friday the 13th with a doggy bag full of kungpow chicken...

My people: Sik Bar (食霸), the Intimidating Champion of Eating?

ME: That sounds more like a bilker than gourmet to me.

My people: Sik Wong (食王), the King of Eating?

ME: Bugger off! It's more like a moron from those speed-eating contests.

My people: Or Sik Ci (食痴), the Fetishist of Eating?

ME: Listen up: what we need here is something that is hotter than the surface of the sun, not a retarded who needs exorcising!

My people: Ah, Sik Daan (食單), which could mean the One and Only of Eating. Just peerless you; a man who needs no introduction. Awesomeness besides, this also bears the same pronunciation with the character "menu" in Chinese, which is super cool. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, please welcome La Menu!

ME: Aha, now we're seeing progress. But I afraid it might backfire when I introduce myself to a bunch of waiters...

My people: Can we try the Wow of Eating, Sik Woo (食糊), connoting the winning hand in mahjong playing on the one hand and the wow factor of yours truly the other?

ME: That's original for cry out loud! But what if I order something that's deep-fried? Wouldn't it automatically make me Sik Jaa Woo, a phony?

2 hours later...

ME: Wait, get this, Sik Zi (食子). Alike Kongzi (Confucius), Laozi (Laocius) and Zhuangzi, great minds of ancient China, I am the Master of Eating. I am philosophizing and transcending the game of eating to a whole new level.  I impart wisdom of eating to people; I let them know there is still light at the end of their barrel.

My people : You mean tunnel in the last one, right? OMG, this one is so powerful it hurts. Oh it's almost like you are the reason why people love to eat! [edit note: my people are wagging their index finger when they gave me this praise unanimously]

ME: Ho ho ho! Tell people it's Christmas, let them konw Sik Zi is coming to town. Ho ho ho!

December 2, Michelin Hong Kong and Macao debut announced

Restaurants awarded three stars:

1. Lung King Heen -- must call timeout for a Chinese lesson: Lung means "dragon" here, not "paired compound saccular thoracic organs that constitute the basic respiratory organ of air-breathing vertebrates"
2. Robuchon a Galera (only entry from Macao)

Restaurants awarded two stars:

1. Amber
2. Bo Innovation -- Call me outmoded but I'm not sold on a chef who cooks with cigar in his mouth at all, you?
3. Caprice -- is it a first for Michelin? Both Lung King Heen & Caprice are from FourSeasons Hong Kong!
4. L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon -- it is getting a bit boring to see this again and again, ain't it?
5. Shang Palace
6. Summer Palace
7. T’ang Court

Restaurants awarded one star:

1. Fook Lam Moon
2. Forum
3. Hutong
4. Lei Garden (IFC)
5. Lei Garden (Tsim Sha Tsui) -- when was the last time you saw Michelin doleing out star to chains?! Mind you, unlike Ducasse, Keller or Ramsey's, the Lei Garden doesn't tout on the fame of their chefs at all. A palpable victory for restaurateurs over the unsung kitchen heroes in our culture.
6. Ming Court
7. Petrus
8. Pierre
9. Regal Palace
10. Shanghai Garden
11. The Golden Leaf
12. The Square
13. Tim’s Kitchen
14. Yung Kee

Yippy! I am so gonna plan a culinary pilgrimage to Hong Kong next year with the guide.

Wait, I AM living in Hong Kong... Damn, half the excitement just gone.

Okay, my city, right or wrong... But still, the remaining half faded out too now that it occurs to me all restaurants described on the guide as either worth a special journey or detour are reachable with an Octopus card*... [* equivalent to the Oyster card of London]

Driving Mr. HEV1N

Check out what's to bid for in a coming auction for personalized vehicle registration marks -- item No. 98 in particular. I've highlighted the luscious plate all the same just in case you can't see something so mesmerizing to see on the always bumper-to-bumper driving lanes of Hong Kong...

Quite some way to "tart up" a car, you say?